Monday, March 31, 2008

What happens when you...

Good Morning Ladies

What happens when you give everything you have to those people around you, those that you love (like your husband, etc..) at the expense of your own needs, wants, and desires?

Does it change your life slate? Do you wake up one day and realize that no matter how much of your self you give that it doesn't matter?

I have recently come to the conclusion that is what I have been doing. Realizing how much of myself has been ignored to keep him happy has really bothered me a lot lately. I am still processing why I chose to do this, and right now the current thought is that I am terrified of being alone.

I know that I can make it alone.. I just don't want to any more. I want my marriage to survive.. but I cannot do all by myself. Unfortunately, he has to realize that it isn't all about him.. that I am present in this marriage..

**Sigh** I wonder if he will realize it before I decide that I would rather be alone in my own house, instead of being alone in a house of 2. I always amaze myself what I think about when I sit down to write on my blogger.

Does any of the people reading this blog, (assuming that someone is reading it) feel the same or similar? Even if you are the husband who loses himself to keep your wife happy.. I would love to hear from anyone who has been there.. more importantly.. I would love to learn how you have dealt with this type of situation..
Thank you..


Anonymous said...

Wow Linda it sounds like you have your hands full. I am so sorry about your situation with your husband. I know marriage can be hard. Have you tried counseling? Sometimes if the other person hears a situation from a different person they can see it in a new light. Just a suggestion.
You MUST think about yourself no matter what. Otherwise you might wake up one day later in life and think where did MY life go.
Take care and good luck!

Cialynne1 said...

Wow.. Someone actually responded! I am so excited! Thank you!

I do appreciate the comments that you made. I am trying to wrap my mind around the fact that the 2 of us may not ever see the fate of our marriage in the same light. This makes me very sad. I am not ready to give up though. I did not get married only to get a divorce. That is not in the cards, unless I have done everything humanly possible to make this marriage work to no avail.

Having married at the late age of 38, I have been alone for the vast majority of my life, and frankly I no longer care for a life like that.

I tend to isolate myself, all by myself, and I know that I need socialization in order to feel alive. I was a hermit, literally and figuratively, before I met my husband. I ate myself into oblivion, because food was the only comfort that I could relate to. It didn't judge me, it didn't hurt my feelings. I was slowly killing myself mentally and physically, but at the time that I was going through this, I could not see the harm that I was doing to myself.

I never dreamed that I would meet someone, much less get married.. After all, my father said that no man would ever want a woman that was fat for a wife. He said that to me at the tender age of 16, and I set about fulfilling that prophecy.. I thought that my father would not say something like that if it wasn't true. I allowed men to use me for whatever purpose, and I had so many crushes on unavailable men it wasn't funny. I didn't have dates in public. If I did manage to go out to dinner with a man, I believed inside of me, that they were just taking pity on the fat girl.. that they were mortified to be seen with me..yet.. they weren't mortified to be intimate with me in the dark. God, I was so stupid back then.

Until I met my husband. Our love story is amazing to me. I prayed for him to appear.. and I was very specific about what I wanted. I believed with everything that I had that the man that I asked for would appear. About 3 months after that prayer, my husband came into my life. He really is an answered prayer in so many ways. It wasn't until much later that all of the things that I have mentioned in this blog have come to light. I started to buck the system, and discontent started to show up quite frequently.

It takes everything I have in me to stand up for myself and to tell him that he will not get a rise out of me that day. I will leave the house, go for a drive, crying all the while.. I will be gone sometimes for hours.. and when I come back.. his anger has dissipated.. and it is okay for however long until the next time his moodiness takes over.

This is no way to live.. I know that..

He is very introverted. He is very shy around people that he does not know. Yet, with me.. he can be an opinionated jerk when it comes to subject matter that he feels any emotion about. His opinion is the correct one, and anyone who thinks differently from his way of thinking is an idiot. Guess who is the idiot in his mind?

He is a brilliant man. Probably MENSA quality in terms of the level of his intelligence.. Yet, the man could not fix a meal if his life depended on it. He doesn't know how to do things that are required to simply survive. Things like simple car maintenance, changing a tire.. putting oil in when you get gas if needed.. negotiating a deal with someone selling something.. buying our house.. buying any of our cars... all of that responsibility fell on my shoulders.. He has often said that if I didn't do all of the negotiation for our home, that he would not have ventured out to get our house.

I complement him in that way.

We both are very stubborn. We both are incredibly bright. Whenever I want to learn a new subject, I read as many books or articles or whatever information is available on said subject, and THEN I put all of that information to good use and begin to implement this new skill. For him, he has to DO it before he can learn. He has to learn by mistakes instead of reading material and learning from other people who have already tried whatever.

Yet, when he smiles.. His whole face lights up. His eyes twinkle, he is my beautiful, darling man. I love him so much more than I ever believed that I was capable of loving anyone. That makes me very vulnerable..and it scares me half to death. I have to figure out a way to regain my power while keeping my marriage alive..Is that daunting task possible?

Why am I crying my eyes out when I write this response???? I know why it scares me so to think of my marriage ending.. I know that I don't want to be alone as I grow older.

Today, I am fighting within myself to keep my dignity in place.. to learn how to put my health and my needs before everyone else's needs, wants, and desires. I know that if I don't do that, I will lose the ability to do it and disappear into my family and my husband..I don't want to wake up one day and ask myself where I am..

I am reading a book called Getting The Love You Want.. and in the first section of this book, I have come to the harsh realization of why I picked him to be my husband, and why I believe that he picked me. It is not pretty..

Thankfully, he has agreed to work with me on saving our marriage before it gets any worse, while both of us still care about being together..

I would imagine that a lot of pain, tears, and more pain will come to light from both of us before we can begin to see our way clear through the rubble that we have stood by and let accummulate for the past 6 years.

Thank you, whoever you may be, for responding on my blog. I hope to talk to you again.. :)