Saturday, April 26, 2008

It has been an interesting April, part 2

Good morning to you!

This blog entry comes from a response that I made to a post that someone wrote on the previous blog entry. I really felt that it needs to be a main entry, so I edited it a little bit to make some sort of sense, and I am sending it out as a main entry. If you are interested in reading the original response, please click on the comment section on my April 16, 2008 entry. (I hope that I got that date right.. It is the first one in April in any case) As always, I invite my readers comments!

I really like blogging a lot. I am glad that someone is enjoying what I have to say. I enjoy reading people's responses on the rare occasion that someone does actually leave a comment. That is what makes blogging interesting for me.

I can only hope that I will get somewhere in this journey and by doing so, I will find that I am able to heal some really old wounds. Wounds that my husband did not put there.

I think what I have been writing about recently, in terms of my marriage, has been going on a lot longer than just lately, and I have just been numb to it all. I really don't know what triggered this happening right now, but it has been going on since February, 2008. Something just opened up and all of this stuff came pouring out at first, and it has continued in little spurts since then.

I am not so sure that I am ready for this, but I have to get a little deeper into it before I can make that conscious choice to either deal with it or stuff it and continue on as before. I don't think that the stuffing it choice will be a viable one for me to make, because to continue to do that does not validate my feelings, needs, or desires. I would continue to placate him at the loss of my own empowerment. I don't believe that I want that any longer.

I have to believe that I can be ME and not lose my marriage or the love of my life in the process..God, that is so scary! This will be a difficult choice for me in the long run, but it is a decision that I must make for my own mental health and clarity..I just have to break out of that rut, ya know?

I must admit that what I am going through currently is nowhere near as bad as the cards that I have been dealt throughout my lifetime. However, believe me when I tell you that I have been through a whole LOT worse than this, which is probably the reason that I have allowed it to go on as long as I have, (7 years). The damage was done to my psyche many years before I ever met my husband.

Unfortunately, he had his share of crap from his parents as well, so we are both trying to climb out of that gaping black hole that is in our hearts. The bad thing is that both of us thought the other could heal those hurts when we chose each other.

I grew up in a very abusive home. Domestic violence was what I saw most of my childhood in the form of my father hurting my mother in some form almost every day.. So, if I look at that and compare that to my current situation, then this is a piece of cake to get through.. We tend to have far more good times than we have the arguments the inevitablly end up with harsh criticisms and hurtful verbal daggers being thrown at each other. My husband is the expert marksman in terms of the verbally abusive daggers he throws. He knows how to hurt me really badly..and the sad thing is that I gave him the ammunition to use against me by sharing my past with him..When we do fight, it is very devasting to both of us in far more ways that either of us realize. This last one started in February. It seems that we will have a few weeks of tranquility between horrid arguments..but we are at least talking about what is going on instead of denying the existence of it. I think that is a good place to start.

It is a blessing that I am not subjected to drug or alcohol abuse. I was subjected to that when I was growing up from my extended family of origin, along with my father and grandfather in the home..My maternal aunt was/is an addict, and she is only 6 years older than I am. She was one of those "flower children" of the 60s, and I don't think that there is a drug on this planet that she has not tried at least once. Lucky for me, I saw the damage it did to her both externally and internally, and my brother and I learned at a very early age that we would not do that irrepairable harm to ourselves. We both decided that the chain of abuse would stop with each of us in our family. Sadly, I have not had any children, and unless we both decide to adopt, I probably will not get a chance to be a mom and show a child how unconditional love feels..My brother has 1 child with a 2nd one on the way. Both my brother and I decided that we would not drink or do drugs ever.

All of that is a very good thing.. but what we both were left with was a seething underlying rage towards our family..I was quite the angry witch for many years, and I was no fun to be around until I had a friend of mine tell me that I was very angry and that it scared her to be in the same room with me sometimes. That happened when I was 26. It still took me about 8 years before I started to really dig into my pain and sort it all out. I say all of this to say that I am not a stranger to an abusive household. I am not a stranger to the adults that I looked up to being in a drug-induced haze.

Unfortunately for me, my drug of choice is food, and I am a compulsive over eater. I eat to hide my emotions.. I also smoke cigarettes, which until recently I did not see as a drug.. I suppose because they are not illegal, I fooled myself into thinking that nicotine was not a drug. Funny what living in denial can do to a girl, isn't it?

Have a great week!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

It has been an interesting April..

Good Morning Readers!
I hope this finds you well! I have been having a great April so far. My birthday was last Friday, the 11th. I turned 45. At first, I thought that this birthday would be one that I would dread.. It hasn't been, and I am glad about that.

It has made me begin to assess my life and where it is going. So, that can only be a very good thing. The last blog post that I made at the end of March was very sad, especially when I read it again this morning. It kind of makes my life look bleak, doesn't it?

Someone asked me if we had tried counseling for our marriage.. I failed to answer that question, so let me do that here. My husband is adamantly opposed to having an unfamiliar person, third party, etc.. hear anything about our private life. He does not believe that we need this type of help. I disagree almost as vehemently as he does. I know that I cannot do it all on my own. I can't be the goddess in shining armor that rides in our her white horse to save the day any more than he can be the knight.

What I CAN do is work on myself, my issues, and bring to light the reasons behind why I am doing the self-sabotaging that I am currently guilty of. I can explore why I made the decision to do everything for him to keep him happy and content, so he would not leave, at the expense of myself. There IS an underlying reason, and I believe that the root of it lies in my childhood experiences.. So much has happened in my time on this earth.. I think that it would be ludicrous not to acknowledge that every single painful episode that I have survived did not change my life slate and adversely impact my personality.. I believe that all of them combined totally changed my view of this world and how I relate to any and everyone that crosses my path.

I am not so sure that I relish having to relive all of this again. It was all that I could do to get through it the first time. I do know that I refuse to allow my past to control my present any longer. I am working on becoming more self-aware, but trying to do that without becoming arrogant, cocky, and aggressive will be a challenge for sure.

I know that a successful marriage takes two people. Two people who genuinely love each other, but who also love themselves enough to refuse to accept disrespect of themselves and who believe that they have the right to keep their dignity and mental health intact.

I went through a period like this when I was 36.. I joined a local 12-step group for adult children from dysfunctional families. I joined that group to get a grip on my father and how to deal with his BS that he was pushing big time back then. Very long story.. I went to that group for about 9 months, and when I stopped going, I realized that I did have the right to respect from my father. That was an empowering, sobering thought.. So many lessons learned.. I need to connect to those lessons again and apply them to my current situation.

It will be a really long road.. Does anyone have any comments on how you went through something similar? How do you find your way back to yourself, when it looks like you may have lost the light..

This is going to be SO hard.. Any help, suggestions, or comments would be very much appreciated.. Thank you for reading this blog..